Cutting Them Some Slack

When new ... Actually, doesn't look much different now!

I am 8 years into my second Toyota Corolla. The first one lasted about 17 years. Without tempting the gods or Fate, these have been the easiest 8 years of driving I've ever had. The only things I have had done to this car are: oil changes, tire rotations, new tires, a few recalls that were free, and, for some reason, replacement of the cabin air filter.

This cabin air filter thing annoys me. My husband has a brand new Corolla and I took it in for an oil change and they said the cabin air filter was dirty. Well, so what? Then I got all annoyed as the guy stood there with a slightly dirty square filter and finally I said to go ahead and change it. Mine, at least, had a mouse nest in it, probably from the two weeks we were away out west traveling in my husband's car and mine was left in the mouse-riddled garage. That made sense. A little dirt on the cabin air filter didn't seem to warrant a change. The next time I took his car in, I told them I didn't want to hear about the cabin air filter. After all, it's the cabin air filter. How is it going to affect the running of the car? With a little dirt on it?

The last time I took my car in, they didn't mention the cabin air filter (I think they have my number now), but they were trying that on some other lady who got annoyed and finally caved because it was only $30-ish dollars to replace it. It just screamed scam to me. But on the way home I thought about it. Re-read the first paragraph. Eight years. Absolutely no major problems. Minimal cost.

I've decided that those poor folks at the Toyota Service place are desperate for anything that will bring in some cash because the darn cars run too well. I had one 1969 Ford that was eating alternators after 4 years and a Ford Pinto that had the worst battery karma imaginable (including theft of the battery).

So, the next time they try to pull this cabin air filter thing on me, for either my or my husband's car, I'm going to say, "Sure, go ahead, knock yourself out. Because I feel sorry for you guys, desperately trying to find something you can charge for on cars that Just Don't Ever Have Enough Wrong with them. And I feel I owe something to Toyota for eight years of absolutely no trouble at all."

The Good Death

Still 20 years to go.

Death is in the air. My co-worker's mom died at age 90 after a brief illness. Scott Adams's father died shortly after he ranted in this blogpost. His father's illness was not so brief.
I watched my mother spiral out of control in a year before her death. Fortunately, I did not take the doctor's advice and have a pacemaker put in her. My mother no longer knew who the people were around her, she did not recognize her home, she wanted to go back to her daddy, and thought her husband of 60 years was her kidnapper. She lived in perpetual sadness with occasional flares of terror.
I was lucky that her extreme dementia only lasted a year, but even that short a time took a heavy toll on me. I am certain that it brought on my first grey hair at least.
As for my dad, his downward spiral was much slower and longer. He lived to be 101, and each year he said it was "old enough." He missed his wife, he'd outlived all his golf partners (although they had all been younger), and occasionally he would forget who I was. I was lucky again in that 99.6% of the time he was a sweet, tractable man.  But perhaps our (because I could not have handled this without the support of my husband who did so much) constant attention forced my dad to hang on too long. In the end, we had to be out of the country for him to die. I really think his mind and body decided that would be the safest time to give in because we wouldn't be there to call him back or insist that the doctors keep him going.
I believe in death with dignity. I do not want to linger, sad and afraid. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own mind. I don't want to be a drain on the system or my family (all of them distant).

Some Thoughts on Mawwadge

Great Granddad and Wife Number Three

How do you know when you're well and truly married? Marriage isn't a rite of passage you go through one day and Presto! you're Married. It isn't magic. It isn't a weekend hobby. Marriage is a process that requires daily work. Unlike a painting or a sculpture, it's never really finished. But like art, there's the rough draft stage, the filling in, and the polishing. If you aren't willing to put in the work, don't mess up someone else's life by marrying them.

I suppose I was lucky to marry late, after watching everyone else's mistakes. Here are a few of the things I have learned about this partnership business, that smoothed my way for me.

1. Meet the family. Watch your potential partner's behavior in the bosom thereof. If they seem different (and it might take a few visits) in that environment, expect that the in-family behavior is a norm for them. If the workings of their family seems utterly bizarre compared with yours (the family runs spookily smoothly or they are constantly sniping) - this could mean trouble down the line. It could be, though, that your own family snipes constantly and that's a norm for you, right? But if it isn't - and you don't like it - you might want to find a different partner. Or maybe your family is the Blands and there's never any conflict. Would you be comfortable with a partner whose communication is chiefly through conflict? What if they are the Blands? Do you want to spend your married life trying to get a rise out of someone who's too laid back to mix it up with you?
2. See how your partner lives. We've all seen "The Odd Couple" and know what happens when a slob and a neat freak live together. It very nearly results in murder. The only reason that "The Odd Couple" doesn't end in actual murder is that it was intended to be a comedy. [I think Neil Simon pulled some punches there. That story has tragedy written large on it and the ending seems tacked on.] Are you more casual about housework? Does your potential partner seem obsessed by it? Compare definitions of what is "clean." For some, it means things are picked up. For others it means the surfaces are clean. You would think that if this describes the differences between two people living together, that it wouldn't be a problem. The one who liked it tidy would tidy and the one who liked it polished would polish - but that's not what I've seen happen. I've seen two people just argue about how the other person was doing it wrong. 
3. Do you and your partner communicate well about money? Please, for the sake of all the pixies in Pixieland, hash that out before you tie any knots. Money is one of the biggest bones of contention in a marriage. If you like to live on the edge of bankruptcy, don't just assume your partner is going to foot the bill for it. Find someone else who likes to live dangerously. If you are scrupulous about paying your bills, don't hook up with someone who thinks it's "optional."
4. Learn to forgive. My mom tried to teach me that. "Forgive and forget," she would chant - which was hard to do when my sister was always pulling the same guff on me, making my young life a living heck. Mom would also say that there didn't seem to be enough "Kiss and make up" in marriage today. She always made it sound so easy - but forgiving isn't, just by definition. You need to suck up that pride and make the first move. That doesn't mean everything is forgivable.
5. Learn to compromise. No matter how in tune you might be, how well you match, people can change, or situations change, and you have to be flexible. Make sure your potential partner can do this as well. I definitely did not marry the date who insisted I decide on where to go for dinner and continued to drive around until I told him where to go. Then he got mad because he had to keep driving. I wasn't being stubborn - I really have trouble making decisions on where to eat and if I'm hungry, it actually gets worse. I wandered around Midtown Manhattan for a couple of hours unable to decide where to eat. I had to resort to (freshly ground) peanut butter and (my favorite stoned wheat thin) crackers.

Once I knew a man who had been married four times. I asked him - "Why?" After a while you'd think he'd have learned something. He told me that sometimes he thought he could make someone happy and sometimes he thought the other person would make him happy. "Didn't your momma teach you that you are responsible for your own happiness?" I asked. I mentioned this later to one of his ex-wives who said that, no, his momma taught him that he was responsible for her happiness. He went on, by the way, to marry a fifth time.

This is my last point. If you are unhappy, you can't expect someone else to do something about it. You have to decide to be happy. If that doesn't work, you take yourself to someone who can show you how to make yourself happy, even if it means medication. I have heard people say that they aren't changing to make things easier on other people - other people should rearrange their expectations. Well, good luck with that, hon. I applaud your strength of character. As long as you don't make other people suffer, you can go right on being a pain in the arse. Just make sure that you are as forgiving of others as you expect them to be of you.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Composite? Hotel has dark swimming pool right at edge?

I just got this in my email ... and there just seems to be so much wrong with it I don't know where to begin.   I did, however, click on it and look at the photos.  But they're just photos of ... of scenery.  One of them is just of some water with some clouds and a sunset and you could get that almost anywhere.  Now, the Machu Picchu one might have had a view - but probably not of Machu Picchu. 

I'll say the views are "incredible."  Especially the one above.  How is that a hotel view?  Where's the balcony?  Come to think of it, this couple doesn't even look wet.  For all we know, they drove 300 miles from their hotel to get in that water, if in fact they even are in water. 

It is also my experience with hotels that you end up with the sucky view.  I have many vacation photos of the rooftop HVAC systems and kitchen vents.  I don't know who's getting the ones with views (I've stayed on both sides of all the Disneyland hotels and seen mostly parking lots).  It sure as all heck isn't me.

I have seen some beautiful views - far away from hotels and the like.