Some Thoughts on Mawwadge

Great Granddad and Wife Number Three

How do you know when you're well and truly married? Marriage isn't a rite of passage you go through one day and Presto! you're Married. It isn't magic. It isn't a weekend hobby. Marriage is a process that requires daily work. Unlike a painting or a sculpture, it's never really finished. But like art, there's the rough draft stage, the filling in, and the polishing. If you aren't willing to put in the work, don't mess up someone else's life by marrying them.

I suppose I was lucky to marry late, after watching everyone else's mistakes. Here are a few of the things I have learned about this partnership business, that smoothed my way for me.

1. Meet the family. Watch your potential partner's behavior in the bosom thereof. If they seem different (and it might take a few visits) in that environment, expect that the in-family behavior is a norm for them. If the workings of their family seems utterly bizarre compared with yours (the family runs spookily smoothly or they are constantly sniping) - this could mean trouble down the line. It could be, though, that your own family snipes constantly and that's a norm for you, right? But if it isn't - and you don't like it - you might want to find a different partner. Or maybe your family is the Blands and there's never any conflict. Would you be comfortable with a partner whose communication is chiefly through conflict? What if they are the Blands? Do you want to spend your married life trying to get a rise out of someone who's too laid back to mix it up with you?
2. See how your partner lives. We've all seen "The Odd Couple" and know what happens when a slob and a neat freak live together. It very nearly results in murder. The only reason that "The Odd Couple" doesn't end in actual murder is that it was intended to be a comedy. [I think Neil Simon pulled some punches there. That story has tragedy written large on it and the ending seems tacked on.] Are you more casual about housework? Does your potential partner seem obsessed by it? Compare definitions of what is "clean." For some, it means things are picked up. For others it means the surfaces are clean. You would think that if this describes the differences between two people living together, that it wouldn't be a problem. The one who liked it tidy would tidy and the one who liked it polished would polish - but that's not what I've seen happen. I've seen two people just argue about how the other person was doing it wrong. 
3. Do you and your partner communicate well about money? Please, for the sake of all the pixies in Pixieland, hash that out before you tie any knots. Money is one of the biggest bones of contention in a marriage. If you like to live on the edge of bankruptcy, don't just assume your partner is going to foot the bill for it. Find someone else who likes to live dangerously. If you are scrupulous about paying your bills, don't hook up with someone who thinks it's "optional."
4. Learn to forgive. My mom tried to teach me that. "Forgive and forget," she would chant - which was hard to do when my sister was always pulling the same guff on me, making my young life a living heck. Mom would also say that there didn't seem to be enough "Kiss and make up" in marriage today. She always made it sound so easy - but forgiving isn't, just by definition. You need to suck up that pride and make the first move. That doesn't mean everything is forgivable.
5. Learn to compromise. No matter how in tune you might be, how well you match, people can change, or situations change, and you have to be flexible. Make sure your potential partner can do this as well. I definitely did not marry the date who insisted I decide on where to go for dinner and continued to drive around until I told him where to go. Then he got mad because he had to keep driving. I wasn't being stubborn - I really have trouble making decisions on where to eat and if I'm hungry, it actually gets worse. I wandered around Midtown Manhattan for a couple of hours unable to decide where to eat. I had to resort to (freshly ground) peanut butter and (my favorite stoned wheat thin) crackers.

Once I knew a man who had been married four times. I asked him - "Why?" After a while you'd think he'd have learned something. He told me that sometimes he thought he could make someone happy and sometimes he thought the other person would make him happy. "Didn't your momma teach you that you are responsible for your own happiness?" I asked. I mentioned this later to one of his ex-wives who said that, no, his momma taught him that he was responsible for her happiness. He went on, by the way, to marry a fifth time.

This is my last point. If you are unhappy, you can't expect someone else to do something about it. You have to decide to be happy. If that doesn't work, you take yourself to someone who can show you how to make yourself happy, even if it means medication. I have heard people say that they aren't changing to make things easier on other people - other people should rearrange their expectations. Well, good luck with that, hon. I applaud your strength of character. As long as you don't make other people suffer, you can go right on being a pain in the arse. Just make sure that you are as forgiving of others as you expect them to be of you.

Why It Took So Long for Me to Get Married

Serial Fiancee and Mother Superior, partners in crime

Had a nice chat with the chiropractor today (after killing myself doing die-cutting) after all his patients left. Mentioned how Christine Baranski (since "Cybill" and now in "Momma Mia") reminds me of my dear friend NamelessHussy. I'm not allowed to talk about certain aspects of our time together. If she wants to tell stories on herself, that's up to her (ask me to remind you, Dear). But in "Momma Mia" they actually call Baranski's character a "serial fiancee." I'm just sayin'.

NamelessHussy used to say she liked to go out with me, because when she went out with other women, they just used her to attract men. NH would tongue-lash them away, and the other women would provide these reprobates with a soft landing. I didn't operate that way. If we went out together and some creep tried to chat her up in some obnoxious fashion (and NH particularly disliked the braggarts who tossed out their resumes as if they meant something), we operated like a well-drilled volleyball duo: she set 'em up, and I spiked them - wham!

Example: Oxford cloth shirt and power tie started in on NH with a "Why won't you go out me?" barrage and she finallly wheeled on him. "I won't go out with you because you wear those Euro-fag tasseled loafers." He was now dead to her, but he's still hanging in mid-air. He turned to the fat girl with the pleasant but dull face and tried the sympathy angle. "I had to wear these. I fell out of bed and hurt my foot," said leeringly as though there was something more than sleeping going on. "If you were doing it right, you wouldn't have fallen out," I pointed out cheerfully. "Jeesh!" he said, "Jesus!" and left both of us alone the rest of the evening. High fives, teammate!

I didn't do this just when NH was around. I also had a running game going with a male friend who continually tried my patience with innuendo along that same line. "Why aren't we sleeping together?" "Is that why we don't sleep together?" We don't sleep together, dear one, because it ruins friendships, just see if it doesn't. "I'd like to test that theory." And I kept count. "That's 37." It was more a game than anything, and one that I wasn't really winning (but he wasn't getting laid, either, so maybe it was a tie). It did, however, hone my skills. That and several years of back-and-forth with gay men gave me a competitive mouth. I'd like to think that I didn't start anything. I only volleyed back when it came into my court and I only go for the joke, not really the kill.

Still, it does keep the gene pool at a distance, dunnit? In the end, I had to be approached by someone gently. I then gave back the same way. I'm just a parrot, repeating what I hear. Y'all keep that in mind when you go a-courtin'.