Some Thoughts on Mawwadge

Great Granddad and Wife Number Three

How do you know when you're well and truly married? Marriage isn't a rite of passage you go through one day and Presto! you're Married. It isn't magic. It isn't a weekend hobby. Marriage is a process that requires daily work. Unlike a painting or a sculpture, it's never really finished. But like art, there's the rough draft stage, the filling in, and the polishing. If you aren't willing to put in the work, don't mess up someone else's life by marrying them.

I suppose I was lucky to marry late, after watching everyone else's mistakes. Here are a few of the things I have learned about this partnership business, that smoothed my way for me.

1. Meet the family. Watch your potential partner's behavior in the bosom thereof. If they seem different (and it might take a few visits) in that environment, expect that the in-family behavior is a norm for them. If the workings of their family seems utterly bizarre compared with yours (the family runs spookily smoothly or they are constantly sniping) - this could mean trouble down the line. It could be, though, that your own family snipes constantly and that's a norm for you, right? But if it isn't - and you don't like it - you might want to find a different partner. Or maybe your family is the Blands and there's never any conflict. Would you be comfortable with a partner whose communication is chiefly through conflict? What if they are the Blands? Do you want to spend your married life trying to get a rise out of someone who's too laid back to mix it up with you?
2. See how your partner lives. We've all seen "The Odd Couple" and know what happens when a slob and a neat freak live together. It very nearly results in murder. The only reason that "The Odd Couple" doesn't end in actual murder is that it was intended to be a comedy. [I think Neil Simon pulled some punches there. That story has tragedy written large on it and the ending seems tacked on.] Are you more casual about housework? Does your potential partner seem obsessed by it? Compare definitions of what is "clean." For some, it means things are picked up. For others it means the surfaces are clean. You would think that if this describes the differences between two people living together, that it wouldn't be a problem. The one who liked it tidy would tidy and the one who liked it polished would polish - but that's not what I've seen happen. I've seen two people just argue about how the other person was doing it wrong. 
3. Do you and your partner communicate well about money? Please, for the sake of all the pixies in Pixieland, hash that out before you tie any knots. Money is one of the biggest bones of contention in a marriage. If you like to live on the edge of bankruptcy, don't just assume your partner is going to foot the bill for it. Find someone else who likes to live dangerously. If you are scrupulous about paying your bills, don't hook up with someone who thinks it's "optional."
4. Learn to forgive. My mom tried to teach me that. "Forgive and forget," she would chant - which was hard to do when my sister was always pulling the same guff on me, making my young life a living heck. Mom would also say that there didn't seem to be enough "Kiss and make up" in marriage today. She always made it sound so easy - but forgiving isn't, just by definition. You need to suck up that pride and make the first move. That doesn't mean everything is forgivable.
5. Learn to compromise. No matter how in tune you might be, how well you match, people can change, or situations change, and you have to be flexible. Make sure your potential partner can do this as well. I definitely did not marry the date who insisted I decide on where to go for dinner and continued to drive around until I told him where to go. Then he got mad because he had to keep driving. I wasn't being stubborn - I really have trouble making decisions on where to eat and if I'm hungry, it actually gets worse. I wandered around Midtown Manhattan for a couple of hours unable to decide where to eat. I had to resort to (freshly ground) peanut butter and (my favorite stoned wheat thin) crackers.

Once I knew a man who had been married four times. I asked him - "Why?" After a while you'd think he'd have learned something. He told me that sometimes he thought he could make someone happy and sometimes he thought the other person would make him happy. "Didn't your momma teach you that you are responsible for your own happiness?" I asked. I mentioned this later to one of his ex-wives who said that, no, his momma taught him that he was responsible for her happiness. He went on, by the way, to marry a fifth time.

This is my last point. If you are unhappy, you can't expect someone else to do something about it. You have to decide to be happy. If that doesn't work, you take yourself to someone who can show you how to make yourself happy, even if it means medication. I have heard people say that they aren't changing to make things easier on other people - other people should rearrange their expectations. Well, good luck with that, hon. I applaud your strength of character. As long as you don't make other people suffer, you can go right on being a pain in the arse. Just make sure that you are as forgiving of others as you expect them to be of you.

Shhh! Don't Tell the Middle Schoolers!

On my other blog, the Staff Developomendo one, I have been reviewing books. I was required to start reading and reviewing YA/teen books and actually found some that were good, some that were really good, and some that were really good but I just couldn't bear to read them. My latest post there reviews a book about a Muslim girl who makes the choice to wear the headscarf (note I'm avoiding the use of terminology in case the darlings are searching on that term). I'm not putting the title in here because the little dickens hunt the internet for pre-fab book reports. In fact, according to Lijit.com, my book reviews are the most popular posts in any of my blogs.
The books I seem to enjoy the most are the ones that pat me on the back for my own world view and, consequently, wedge nicely into this blog.

The lead character's mother points out that some "people are paralyzed by their traditions and customs. It's all they know, so you can't judge them for following and believing what they know." She refers to Leila's mother discouraging school and wanting Leila to pick a husband and marry ... at age 16. But this is a lesson for all of us, especially me. Many of the people I see every day are like village people (not THE Village People, of course) who have only known this town, their friends and family, their religion. I should try harder to not judge them.
Also, the author makes an important point (one that I make, so you know it has to be important!) when Amal is asked to give a presentation explaining how Islam justifies the bombing in Bali. She retorts that she will do that if the Christian will give a speech on the Ku Klux Klan and then goes on to mention Israeli soldiers and the IRA. She left out the Jew who shot up the Mosque, and the Spanish Inquisition, and ... but you get the picture. I am grateful to her for the KKK reference, because although they were more recent I'd completely forgotten them and I just read Freakonomics which gave a detailed report of how many lynchings of blacks occurred per decade. Granted, they fell off as KKK membership increased, but only because the previous decades of violence had cowed the population. Not happy to terrorize just the black population, the KKK moved on to Jews and Catholics, because white and Protestant was considered "superior." Then there was the church bombing in Birmingham. Don't try to tell me Muslims arranged that! I can hear people crying out, "But they weren't real Christians; real Christians wouldn't do that!" Bingo. My point exactly. It takes all kinds to make up a world or a religion (or a non-religion). And you can't ... I mean, I can't go around blaming a whole religion for what a few did.
A few years back the annoying owner of an electronics store who likes to put annoying political messages on his sign put up something to the effect that while not all Muslims are terrorists, all terrorists ... well, you can see where that's going. My husband and I were outraged. My husband went in and revoked his custom, as it were. He'd had equipment in for repair. The reaction was, "But you aren't Muslim." Even someone, a nice person, said, "But it's true."
You just want to bang your head on the counter. How soon we forget! And how completely.